swimming through a sea of bugs on saturday

Thankfully, I did not take this picture, but have been immersed in similar, creepy pictures all afternoon studying for an upcoming exam. It feels like Halloween all over again.

This is remarkable for a few reasons:
1. I can look at these and not go jump in a bathtub filled with Purel (I've had weird germ things in the past that have thankfully calmed down over the years)
2. it's Saturday afternoon and I'm studying for my Thursday test. This may not impress you, but it impressed the hell out of me. I scraped by in college cramming the night before exams or paper deadlines, relying on all sorts of pharmaceuticals to "aid" in my education. I'm grateful my reliance is elsewhere these days, not on chemicals and not on myself, but on living a spiritual way of life. It's much more enjoyable this way.

calming friday

Work contacted me to let me know the new software installation would not be complete until next week so I had a surprise day off today. I thanked the heavens for the belated birthday gift, as this week has been intense with schoolwork. I slept in late, enjoyed a big breakfast, caught up on Grey's Anatomy (a show that has surprisingly grown on me), picked up my partner from school to avoid the bus and rain and generally reveled in the day.

I'm off to enjoy a lovely prepared meal of salmon, veggies and a raspberry tart for dessert. Days don't get much better than this, except they seem to do just that!

I met up with a sponsee yesterday and her current problems have been weighing on my mind. It's important for me to remember that it's not my job to fix her or her problems. My job is to share the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is laid out beautifully in our book, just as my sponsors showed me. That and to pray for her and for guidance in how to best be of service.

happy birthday to me

I just returned from a wonderful and super yummy dinner with my partner. Throughout the day, my family, friends and various friends from the past have all contacted me to wish me a happy birthday. I'm choked up with gratitude for all the love in my life.

My little sister, who pretty much wanted nothing to do with me by the time I landed in AA, sent me a birthday card for the first time (and one that she picked out, no less).

I spent years desperate for my mother's approval and validation in the form I wanted and hours in therapists' offices crying about how nothing I did was good enough and that all I needed was for her to say she was proud of me...today my birthday card said all of that and more. Even more crazy to me is that my cards from mom for the past few years have all said she loves me and is proud of me. It's such a gift of sobriety and of G-d's grace in my life.

I never thought I would live past 25. I'm so glad to be alive and glad to be happy to be alive, celebrating my last year in my 20s.

Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem

During the reading my 4th step, my sponsor gave me this poem when I kept complaining about what was the point to being kind and honest when everyone would just walk all over me. For some reason, I was reminded of this tonight and thought I'd share it in case anyone else hasn't read it.

Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Step 8

Last night I met with a sponsee to go over the directions for Step 8 and help form her list from her inventory. I was reminded of the importance of staying in the step I'm in and not jumping ahead.

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

At first glance, this step seemed like the easiest of all of them. How hard is it to write a list? Especially one that comes from something you've already written? While taking this step, I got tripped up in a couple of places, and it was interesting to watch my sponsee experience some of the same things.

First, as I started writing my list, my head started spinning with anyone and everything that I may have harmed. Like what is harm? There were days I could recall where I created a big ol' negative thundercloud where I went. How could I possibly remember all of those days? Then I jumped to trying to contact and make amends to all such people- how was that going to be feasible? Thankfully, my sponsor at the time reassured me that the names from my inventory would be a good start and to pray every morning for G-d to show me who else belonged on the list. She also suggested that I stay in the making a list and praying for willingness step and set aside my concerns for the logistics of some of the amends. She may have even used my least favorite line "More will be revealed."

Last night, I had a chance to share some of these suggestions with my sponsee and was so grateful that they worked so well for me and that I had something to pass along. Step 8 rocks in an ego-deflating, oh my G-d I was a bull in a chinashop and look at all the glass, sort of way.

enzymes up the wazoo

If we were like yeast and had the enzyme pyruvate decarboxylase, instead of exercising hard and making lactate, our muscles would make alcohol.

As a hyperactive gal, I'm sure I would have loved this. Just tap your foot and it's like instantly tapping a keg. (These are the thoughts that go through this alcoholic mind while studying metabolism- I really need to get some rest.)

Sunday's Gratitude List

I'm grateful:

• that I didn't blow out all my brain cells drinking and using and can put some of them to good use studying for my upcoming midterm
• that went with my intuition and switched classes to the "easier" one, which has turned out to be difficult in its own right
• for yummy steamed butternut squash
• to have such an honest relationship with my sponsor and for Sunday's mornings spent talking with her
• to meet with a sponsee tomorrow night to continue on to Step 8
  
• for the process of amends and the freedom I received as I went through them
• that my dad called me tonight and asked if I was free for Thanksgiving and what I thought about my family taking a roadtrip up for the holiday
• that I was able to say YES! and not worry about hiding the bottles or bong or stocking up on Listerine strips to hide my drunken breathe
• that my partner said yes and we get to host our first holiday together
• for so much abundance in my life thanks to being sober and practicing spiritual principles
  

the night of the hungry ghosts

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I love the dressing up, the free candy, the sense of camaraderie between trick-or-treaters. As a kid, I would return home after trick-or-treating and survey my loot. I'd organize all the candy by type and then begin eating the candy with the most number. Controlling and managing much?

My last non-sober Halloween 5 year ago was spent at this massive rave in Los Angeles. My ex of 3 years at the time and I had purchased tickets together and then broke up 2 weeks before the event. I was determined to go anyway and have a good time, dammit. Also, my this time my boss had taken me in to stay with her family for a few weeks until I found a new apartment. Needless to say, I had a miserable time, ditched the "friend" I was with, took lots of drugs and drove back to my boss' home at like 4am. I looked and felt like a wreck the next morning. Crashing down with my boss, her husband, her 9 year old son and teenage daughter all asking me if I was ok is such a vivid and hellish memory. That was one my moments of clarity. There's nothing like people looking with concerns and alarm and then trying to explain how much fun I was having to really wake me up.

This evening, my partner and I lit our pumpkins, are making toasted pumpkin seeds, pumpkin bread and snuggling in for a movie. I love my life and am grateful my idea of fun no longer consists of slowly killing myself.

Happy Halloween!

an odd day with a dash of pumpkin

After a rather odd day at work that I'll avoid getting into, I returned home early and had an opportunity to get caught up on some work for my other job. I know there's a plan here somewhere in the middle of this chaos- I'm just waiting for it to become clear to me. Meanwhile, I'm showing up and tried to enjoy the extra few hours in my day.

We're off to get some pumkins. I'll post pictures if the carvings go well.

later post: Here's a picture of the finished, unlit pumkpin.

a quick post before bed

After much play earlier in the week, I ended up studying all evening. I feel behind on just about every front but thankfully booked my holiday ticket. I can't wait for some time off from work and school and I trying to enjoy the day I'm in instead of jumping mentally to the end of December.