a new day

I appreciated all the comments yesterday regarding a sponsee leaving her treatment facility. I had a really great talk with my sponsor last night about being powerless over alcohol, not only my own alcoholism but other people's as well.

Somewhere in sponsoring her, I had some delusion that had the power to either keep her sober or get her drunk. It wasn't anything conscious, but in being so upset and hurt and shocked, I saw that delusion. I am a human power and I certainly don't keep myself sober so why would I think I could keep an another alcoholic sober? All I can do is maintain my spiritual condition and G-d gives me a daily reprieve. All I can do for another alcoholic is to show her the program as laid in the book, share what I've done and how it's worked for me. I'm still really sad when I think of her, a week before the holidays, out there but am reminded of the power of alcoholism. I am so grateful to be sober today.

"Don't be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you...To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy."
-pg. 96, Alcoholic Anonymous.

heart-breaking sponsorship

Tonight is one of the evenings that a sponsee and I meet to go through the steps. I've been sponsoring her for over 8 months now and headed over to meet her at her recovery home at 5pm. I rang the doorbell and waited a few minutes. Rang it again, waited some more. After some chattering and commotion, a gal living there answered the door. I asked for my sponsee and she said to hold on and rushed in to chattered some more about that's her sponsor, what do I say, etc.

I knew this was not a good sign, but was hopefully because another time my sponsee wasn't there because they kept them late at work. She called the next day and I felt silly for worry and jumping to conclusions.

After another 10 or 15 minutes, a gal came but said she couldn't say anything about anything. I waited some more until finally someone came to tell me that she wasn't supposed to tell that my sponsee left the program. I guess she left on Tuesday sometime. She wouldn't tell me anything more than that because she wasn't even supposed to tell me that much and I didn't want to press her for information and put her in an uncomfortable position. (I am inclined to get into an opinion about this particular rehab/sober living institution, but will forego it except to say I will never sponsor someone in this treatment place again.)

I was absolutely stunned and more than a little heart-broken. She was supposed to graduate from there on Dec 2. She's court-ordered into treatment and has put in 8 months of her 8.5 months treatment. On one hand, I can't believe she would leave with only 2 weeks to go. On the other hand, I know exactly that sort of thinking that is so persuasive and destructive.

"He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees."
-pg. 21, Alcoholics Anonymous

That quote was ringing in my head as I drove away. She was set to graduate in 2 weeks and have all of her court stuff cleared, and she left. I am praying that she is safe tonight. She has 2 little kids who need their mom. I'm going over everything in the last couple of weeks to see if I could have said or done anything differently. She cancelled Sunday because she was sick and said she would see me on Thursday. I've had lots of sponsee disappear or stop calling, but none that I've worked with this long. I just feel really sad for her and frustrated and angry at this disease.

under the weather

I barely made it to my lab practical exam today. All this staying up late to study and being surrounded by sick people has taken its toll on my body. I'm exhausted and am heading to bed where I hope to shake off this feeling.

not another fungus

If I have to memorize one more lifecycle for my exam tomorrow I'm going to turn into a big fungus. I've been knee deep in fungi, algae, plant and animal phyla all weekend and all night tonight studying for yet another midterm. This time of year is a little brutal with all these midterms before Thanksgiving break and then finals coming up right around the corner. Although I'm feeling the pressure of having a few balls in the air, I am grateful to have such a full life and that none of my balls involve dishonesty, stealing, lying, scamming and the like. Those were the sorts of balls I juggled before sobriety.

Instead, I get to pack into the stream of life so fully that it is almost pouring over. Around this time last year, I was so miserable and full of self-pity over all this school stuff. I was completely isolating, rushing home to feel alone, procrastinating on studying, avoiding people at school and meetings and on the verge of a drink. I avoided an end of the semester celebration with my classmates because I was on such shaky spiritual ground.

I went to a meeting where one my 2 friends in AA up here told me she was moving and would I be willing to continue taking her sponsee through the steps. I met with her sponsee, chatted and said yes when she asked me. I had my doubts that the sponsee would stick around or that I had absolutely anything to offer anyone at the time. I was thankfully wrong on both accounts. The steps were what I had and that didn't even occur to me until I started taking her through them. We still work together today and I'm so grateful for that privilege. What a difference a year makes.

Sunday's Gratitude List

Today I'm grateful:

• for being sober even though I do many things imperfectly in this program
• that I have a chance to get back on track today
• my sponsees who remind me of my priorities and my primary purpose
• that my primary purpose is to stay sober and to help other recovery from alcoholism and not so many other things my mind comes up with instead,
  
• to be reminded that even though I may not love meetings here, I need to show up anyway.
• that my sponsor tells me the truth and that I am able to hear it
• my partner made me waffles this morning
• that my family is coming up to visit in 2 weeks
• that when I woke up this morning, the only things I thought of were tea and getting to talk to my sponsor. My Sunday mornings before sobriety consisted of needing pot, needing a cigarette and rushing down to brunch for a drink. It was the only day where I could fool myself about needing to drink in the mornings and look socially acceptable (or at least until my 3rd or 4th mimosa).
• that in the end it comes down to booze or G-d. what is my choice to be?
• that today I choose G-d
  

a different kind of Saturday night

The short of it is that it's almost midnight on Saturday and I'm wide awake studying.

If this is not an example of a Power greater than me working in my life, I don't know what is. Not only that, but I fired up the blender for a nutritious smoothie. From margaritas to fresh fruit... progress indeed

Friday 55

'Twas only my bad attitude keeping from enjoying an excellent day of work
Thankfully an early morning call to another sober pal reminded me of the basics
Bring harmony rather than discord
Avoid gossip and listening to character assassination (39)
Ask where can I be of service? instead of where is mine?
Above all, be kind.

G-d doesn't have grandkids

This afternoon I met with a sponsee again to see how her was progressing on her 4th step and to answer any questions that are coming up. We did that a bit, but mostly we talked about all of this big stuff going on in her life and how to trust G-d and practice turning it over when everything seems upside down.

I didn't have too many words of wisdom or really any advise on what she should do. I kept praying the whole time to be of help to her and know what to say. Sometimes, I feel quite humbled to be placed in someone's life as a sponsor. All I can really do is share my experience drinking, being sober and taking these steps and point them toward the book Alcoholics Anonymous with the directions. Beyond that, I listened.

Chuck C., who wrote the book A New Pair of Glasses (an awesome book!) talks about G-d not having any grandchilden. We're all G-d's kids and I have to trust that her Higher Power will guide her in what to do just as I was guided when I sought help, even when things looked bleak in my early sobriety.

p.s. I cried like 3 times during the movie Up tonight. I haven't been moved to tears by a movie in a long time, especially a kids movie. Oy vey, I'm turning into such a softie

impromptu gratitude list

Since I'm feeling a little grumpy pants and stressed over another midterm tomorrow, I decided to write a gratitude list:

• I had lunch with a gal from AA who I saw in her first month of sobriety 15 months ago and that she is still sober and on fire with enthusiasm for AA.
• Her excitement for meetings, new sponsees, gratitude for being alive and sober were a nice reminder of what is really important.
• I'm grateful that even though my eskimo into AA is no longer sober or apparently alcoholic, that she was both when I met her and that she brought me into the rooms.
• I wrote most of my study guide earlier in the week because it's like pulling teeth tonight to finish it and review this material.
• Tomorrow is a new day and I know that I need some exercise to run out this restlessness. Sitting in chairs all day and night starts to get me antsy.
  

stuck in the 2nd column or why we have 4

Last night I met up with a sponsee to go over directions for the 4th step. Since she was in AA years ago and went through some of the steps, I decided to ask about her experience with inventory. The short of it was that she had written a list of who pissed her off and why.

I had a similar experience with my first sponsor, who gave me similar directions. My first inventory was more like a life story than a survey of my weakness and how self manifested in various way caused my problems. Much like my sponsee, I was slightly relieved to get rid of some secrets but mostly I stayed stuck in resentment and eventually drank. It was great to be able to share this experience with her since she was a little discouraged about what was going to come of writing inventory having already "done it" before.

Not surprisingly, I had such a different experience actually following the directions in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Not only was it helpful to get really clear on the resentment, but it was helpful to get to why I was so pissed off, how a 1000 forms of fear drove my resentment and most importantly, how I either set the ball rolling or kept on pushing it. The whole inventory process it layed out so simply and beautifully and I was stuck by this again while taking my sponsee through it. Yet another benefit of giving it away...